Haterade

I'm part of this online focus group - it's confidential, so don't tell anyone!

They asked me to personify Gatorade and Powerade Zero, so this is what I told them:

I picture Gatorade as a neighbor who's always trying to sell me a timeshare in Florida. He's always playing basketball in his driveway with his friends or putting in the backyard or swimming in his pool. I can never figure out what he does for a living. Gatorade seems unable to talk about anything except sports and celebrities - he strikes me as really shallow. I avoid him whenever I can.

Powerade Zero is the guy who lives across the street from Gatorade - he does everything Gatorade does, but he's less popular. It's obvious to everyone Powerade Zero is jealous of Gatorade, but Powerade Zero refuses to admit it to anyone unless he's drunk. Powerade Zero is more pathetic than obnoxious.

I'll be lucky if they don't kick me out - I need the $100!

THE END IS NEAR

Next Saturday me and my nephew are going to build a Rube Goldberg machine, and if we're not careful, we'll invent a perpetual motion machine that will suck the universe into an ever-expanding (w)hole.  So watch out!

DIALECTIC

Nature v. Nurture

East Coast v. West Coast

Chicken v. Egg

Brittany v. Lindsay

Jekyll v. Hyde

Harvard v. Yale

Time v. Money

Hugs v. Drugs

Monkey v. Robot

Ben v. Jerry

Religion v. Science

Coke v. Pepsi

Paper v. Plastic

Spy v. Spy

God, I am so fucking lost right now...

I spoke too soon

Ok, maybe I DO care what other people think - probably more than I should (isn't ambivalence so boring sometimes?)

Anyway, I was at work today.  Where do I work?  At NASA, for all you know.  Maybe if I told you, I'd have to kill you.  Maybe my office is just a cardboard box.

The point is, I showed up, because if I don't, they don't pay me.  There's some system (what system?  THE SYSTEM) dubbed "alpha" that I don't really have access to (WHICH IS TOTALLY BOGUS, RIGHT?) and a co-worker - let's call him "Jesus Christ" - asked me if I had access to "beta."  I got the joke (it's kinda complicated, but most of it has to do with the fact that there's really no system named "beta") so I chuckled and said "my whole life is beta."  And then I started thinking again about how websites used to have those "Under Construction" pictures on them, like this:

or, on sites that catered to misogynists, like this:

Now, the current trend seems to be labeling things "beta."  Gmail wasn't "under construction," it was "beta".  Facebook wasn't tinkering with the layout, it was "in beta".  So, in keeping this stylish and trendy and "hep," my blog will be perpetually "beta."  Yup, gotta keep it fresh.

So, in the interests of keepin' it fresh, and in the interest of what we in the business call "a narrative arc," I'm inviting you into my focus group.  How's my grammar?  How's my punctuation?  Should I use more "quotes"?  (Should I put more stuff in parentheses?)  Is it all too meta?  Are the links too frequent or redundant or arbitrary, or not arbitrary enough?  More puppies, maybe?  

With enough prayers - OR MONEY - I will change this blog in order to serve you, the consumer, better.

Or I can continue to suck.  That's probably easier for everyone.

FIRST POST!1!!11!!!1!!111!!!!

I can't think of any rational way to start this.

I just got back from a punk show at the Triple Rock Social Club in Minneapolis.  I drank alot, I bought some bananas and cookies; some I ate, some I gave away, some I threw at people.  There were no casualties.  Oh, I almost forgot, there was music!  And friends, both old and new.  I'd like to give a shout-out to "Diamond" Doug (did I get that right?), Shantell, Doom, Lucy R, Lona (sp?), the drummer for Misery, the rest of Misery and the Bastard Sons of Bukowski, In Defence was a lot of fun (maybe tacos are better than pizza...), and everyone at Triple Rock - staff and clientele.

So naturally I figured I'd take the bus home, drink coffee, and start a blog.

I know I'm no Fake Steve Jobs.  I don't have an important job, I don't have lots of money, or a pretty face, or interesting opinions, or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or a PS3, or even shoes, but I do have a computer with internet access for now - and if I lose that, there's always the public library!

I want to warn people right off the bat - I probably care about as much about your opinions as you do about mine, which is not much.  And I think that's a healthy approach to blogging, don't you?  I DON'T CARE.  Unless my opinions are worth money or fame or status or they get me laid, they're worthless, right?

Now I'm going to drink lots of water and float downstream on my waterbed.